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In late 1783, change was sweeping the Western world. The Revolutionary War had drawn to a close, the Treaty of Paris had been signed, Mozart's Great Mass was performed for the first time, and, with the Montgolfier brothers' balloon, mankind was poised on the threshold of flight. And only one newspaper, Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel's The Onion, had the courage to stand against it all. Here, for the first time ever, is a reprint edition of The Onion's inaugural issue.

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Only Thirteen Thousand Acres Of Forest Remaining On Manhattan Island

Some have propos'd a radickal and, some may even saye, DRASTICK measure, of securing a parcel of "greens-space," designated as "off-of-Limits" to additional development, as a sort of "Centralized Park," and that lands in the City's middle part,...read more
"Urban Sprawling" So Severe, Settlement's Cooking-Fires Can Be Seen From As Far As Greenwich Village read more
New York Threatened By O'er-Crowding As Population Climbs To Twelve Thousands read more
Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want read more
Local Black-Smith is Disappointed By Son's Wishes To Be-Come a Wheel-Wright read more

Humor In Shackles

Thunderous peals of Laughter were heard the night before last when indentured Servant GEORGE was witnessed to proclaim, "Masters, am I not also a...read more
One May Now Toil From Home read more
A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying read more
Our Nation's Monthly Leisure Time Rises To A Staggering Total Of Three Minutes read more
John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver read more

Hay Thieves Strike Again

Many citizens of New York awoke at dawn, prepared to do their CHRISTIAN DUTY of toiling for the cause of the betterment of their livestock, only to find that they had for the second time in a month been stripped of their precious Stock of Hay by...read more

Two Feared Dead In Near-By Child-Birth

Two SOULS have been struck DEAD, and their Bodies bereft of Divine Breath, and left mouldering where they lay, in Roanoke, the sad but not...read more
To Be Sold - Two Chamber Pot House read more
To-day In American History read more
A Salt Cake Recipe read more
A Mischievous Woman Wander'd Outside Of Home read more

"Urban Sprawling" So Severe, Settlement's Cooking-Fires Can Be Seen From As Far As Greenwich Village

According to reports from those living out side the boundaries of the great Metropolis, in the far-off Village of Greenwich, the expansion of New York City has accelerat'd to such a great Extent that one has merely to climb a nearby Tree-top, to...read more
Facial Corsets For Ladies, Finally read more

Immoral Woodcut Discovered In Hay Loft

By Constabulary SEIZED, upon its being found in a Hay-Wain's-Loft, a most Immoral and corruptatious WOOD-CUT...read more
A Most Drunken John Adams Makes The Promise To "Put" Man Upon The Moon read more
Opera Lyrics Blamed For Recent Spate Of Regicides read more
Why Will No-One Take My Idea For The Tele-Vision Seriously? read more
To-day In American History read more

M. Webster's New "Dictionary" Shall Burden Us With A Tyranny Of Words

Be it Known, that the Scoundrel & Cat-A-Mite who goes by the Monniker of Noah WEBSTER, is presently at Work on the most Infernal and...read more
Will New York Someday Be Too Crowded For Farming? read more
New York Threatened By O'er-Crowding As Population Climbs To Twelve Thousands read more
Benedict Arnold Is A Modern Day's Anthony Babington read more
Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want read more

Great God, The Stenche

CHRIST on His golden Throne above, it does smell. All around us, throughout the Width, and Breadth, and Girth, of this our great new...read more
New Daily News, Paper Makes Mockery Of Seven-Day News Cycle read more
Is It Too Soon To Use The Boston Massacre As A Source Of Humour? read more
Secret Society Of Free-Bakers Has Fail'd To Gain Influence read more
Alexander Hamilton Challenges Nation To A Duel read more

I Cannot Help That Women Are Oft Attracted To A Successful Pamphleteer

GENTLES, and Citizens of America, I put it to you, a query of the curious disposition: Have you not noticed, in instances numbered too many to...read more
Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern! read more
Is Our Nation Ready For A Negro Citizen? read more
Bald Eagles Evr'y Where read more
Wide-Spread Powder Shortage Confounds Nation's Bewigged. read more

General Washington Hints At A 'Bid' For Presidency in 1789

In NEWBURGH, The State of New York this week we learn, that our great General Washington finds him self besett with Affairs of State, in addition to his more accustom'd Affairs, those being of War; and that, although he has yet to Persuade the...read more
Iroquois Inſurgency Quelled By Gov’t.! read more
The Surgeon General Has Added Snuff To Tobacco Pyramid read more
The not'd and esteem'd OPINION of founder and sole editor, H. Ulysses Zweibel read more

Kid-ney Bean Shaped Organ Recently Discovered

By Chirurgeons and Blood-Letters, in Boston DISCOVER'D, an Organelle of the Body, an' that Human; excis'd from the Back & Mottl'd Purple in Colour, and very like a Kiddney-Bean in SHAPE, which when Remov'd causes Expiration, as with all Organs. By Chirurgeons and Blood-Letters, in Boston DISCOVER'D, an...read more
A Puzzle For The Mind read more
A Jest For You read more
Dances You May Wish To Try read more
Opera Lyrics Blamed For Recent Spate Of Regicides read more

Why Will No-One Take My Idea For The Tele-Vision Seriously?

Ex-Tractus from a Letter, by one Ben'j Franklin, Dilettante, Meddler In Affairs Foreign & Domestick, late of PHILADELPHIA, presently...read more
Last Month's Weather read more
M. Webster's New "Dictionary" Shall Burden Us With A Tyranny Of Words read more
New Whimsical Tune Helps Drown Out Cries Of Anguish read more
Owls Deemed Arse-Holes read more

Popular Hymns heard sung of late.

"O, O, O Lord, O, O". "These Lesions, Ho, Are The Lord's Lesions". "Yea, How The Lord Doth Despise Us". Untitled...read more
To Be Sold - Carved Wooden Heads read more
I Cannot Help That Women Are Oft Attracted To A Successful Pamphleteer read more
The Twenty Top-Most Books In Print At Present read more
Thousands More Teeth Lost read more

The World's Tallest Man Towers At Five Feet And Eleven Inches

From the honest and sworn Captain of the barque Scylla, freshly return'd from the Baltic: News of the Existence of a modern Longshanks, a veritable GIANT before whom many tremble. Said Pantagruel, who makes his Residence in...read more
Ben Franklin Inventions This Week read more
The Surgeon General Has Added Snuff To Tobacco Pyramid read more

Immoral Woodcut Discovered In Hay Loft

By Constabulary SEIZED, upon its being found in a Hay-Wain's-Loft, a most Immoral and corruptatious WOOD-CUT...read more
A Brief "Bring-You-Up-To-Date" read more
Weekley Duel Results read more
Civil War Pre-Enactors Have Stage'd "Battle of Bull Run" read more
Will New York Someday Be Too Crowded For Farming? read more

Only Thirteen Thousand Acres Of Forest Remaining On Manhattan Island

Some have propos'd a radickal and, some may even saye, DRASTICK measure, of securing a parcel of "greens-space," designated as "off-of-Limits" to additional development, as a sort of "Centralized Park," and that lands in the City's middle part,...read more
14 Are Killed In 6-Hour-Long Schoolhouse Musket Shooting read more
Great God, The Stenche read more
Humor In Shackles read more
News Of Revolutionary War's Conclusion Finally Reaches Southwestern Pennsilvania read more

Ship's Log

Departing To The Ends Of The Earth. Small expedition ship The Petula Rosa has departed from the Shores of Rhode Island this...read more
A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying read more
Satan, Dark Harbinger Of Wickedness, Afflickts Townsfolk With String Of Ploughing Mishaps read more
Rural Quaker Scandalized By Intricate Furniture Pattern! read more
Thousands More Teeth Lost read more

John Jacob Astor Out Looking For Beaver

By good honest New Englandmen at Station in the frozen North comes Word that a GERMAN Settler, born JOHN JACOB ASTOR, has four and ten Times this very Month journeyed out to hang from his Belt fine specimens of that elusive and oft desir'd...read more
That Inspirational Piper of '76 Has At Last Succumbed To His Head-Wounds read more
Hay Thieves Strike Again read more
Notice To The Publik read more
Amazing Publick Spectacle! read more

The World's Tallest Man Towers At Five Feet And Eleven Inches

From the honest and sworn Captain of the barque Scylla, freshly return'd from the Baltic: News of the Existence of a modern Longshanks, a veritable GIANT before whom many tremble. Said Pantagruel, who makes his Residence in...read more
Mule-Deaths Of Late read more